A Conversation with Karen Cook

Continued...

Q: You mentioned you were keeping a journal for each of the boys. Why are you doing that?

Karen: It was actually my sister-in-law's idea. She gave me the journals as a Christmas present last year, so I can write just little tidbits for the boys. Things that they did while they were growing up, and things that happened in the family and different experiences and thoughts that I have - just little stories that I tell them. I tell them lots of things about myself when I was little. Things that I did. Things that scared me or things that I had fun doing, you know, just trying to make it like a story book for them. But then also talk about them and things that they do at certain ages. You know, different milestones that they reach and when they go to the doctors or when they get their first tooth, you know that kind of stuff just so that they'll have their own little history of their life but then part of mom is woven in there with them. Because I won't be here to tell them those stories in person. So they'll have their own little book. It makes me feel like I'm still here, that I'm still part of their life.

Q: It seems like a lot of really great people pulled together to help you through this time. Tell me about your support system.

Karen: It's been incredible. Very incredible. We have lived here almost five years and we know most of the neighbors pretty well, and they found out pretty quickly through the grape vine that I had cancer. And it was like from that day on, they've just always been there. The (LDS) Ward, the neighbors that aren't members–they're just wonderful. Anytime I need anything, you know, there's a couple of times that I was sick and couldn't drive myself to chemotherapy, and they would take me downtown to my appointments. And times that I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night and they'd come over and stay with the kids while we were at the hospital. They have just rallied around us and taken care of us; bringing us dinner and cleaning my house and they planted flowers out front. It's like one big happy family in this neighborhood. It's just been great. You know, I think if I hadn't been diagnosed with cancer then it would have been just a regular neighborhood. It wouldn't be this friendship thing that we've got going on now. I mean, it's just, it's incredible. You know, the support I have from them and it's like, if I didn't have cancer I don't think it would be like that. I really don't.

Q: How has this experience helped you grow?

Karen: I've grown closer to my Heavenly Father. And I've started enjoying life more. I've let the little things go that used to bother me. I used to be real anal about things and a friend in Cleveland used to call me fastidious Karen. I always had to have things done a certain way and everything had to be clean and organized and just perfect all the time. And I've kind of let those things go and I'm enjoying the dirty side of life (Laughs). It's not important if your hair doesn't get washed everyday or you don't put makeup on. You know, it's more important to spend time with your friends and family and saving your energy for fun things, not cleaning the house and washing walls. It's kind of been nice because I've, it's like I've been warned. Some people die in a car accident and they never get to do certain things. Well, I've been warned, and now I'm doing those things that I've always wanted to do and I've put off. If I want to go someplace, I go. I don't stay home and say I'll do it later. I try to do all those things that I've wanted to do and didn't.

Q: Have you and Ralph made funeral plans?

Karen: Yeah. We've talked to the bishop about it too because I don't want the traditional, boring, sad funeral that, you know, everybody's like, how long's this thing going to last, and where they're all crying so hard that you can't even think straight. I just want it to be people getting up there and telling little stories about me. Things that they remember. You know. I don't want an open casket. I don't want people looking at me while I'm dead. And I don't want all that sad crying crap because, yeah, it's sad. Ralph's nephew, Ryan, was killed in an ATV accident a couple of years ago and it was sad and we all cried, but they had video tapes of him and music playing in the background and we were laughing and just having a good old time. Ryan was such a goof ball and it was wonderful. That's the kind of funeral I want to have. I want people laughing and remembering the happy times. Yeah, I'm gone but you're going to see me again, geez. You know, come on. So I want it to be a happy time.

Q: Are there any lessons from facing your own death that you want to share with other people?

Karen: Just enjoy life. Cause this is the only one we have...here. That we know of. Some people don't believe in a here after. If you don't believe in God or a life after this, then you need to believe in something. You might as well just believe that life is good, and don't take advantage of certain situations, you are what you make out of life. Some people think that they have such a horrible life - they can't find a job or they're in an abusive relationship and don't know how to get out. There's just all this sadness and sorrow. And I just wish people could realize that there are people out there with a disease that don't have any choice. But you do have a choice – so make good choices. You're here right now. Find fun things to do in life. There's lots fun thing to do in life. You just have to go out and look for it and be happy.

Interview with Ralph Cook, Karen's husband

Q: How is Kyle dealing with Karen's illness?

Ralph: It's hard to know with Kyle. He talks about it sometimes, he asked me the other night. He said, "When people get divorced, they're called divorced. But when somebody dies, then what are you called, because you're not divorced." And I said you're called a widow, or a widower. And he asked,"Oh, well what's that?" And I said, I have no idea. I don't know where they came up with that word. So he's thinking about it. Sometimes I think he gets mad and frustrated and I wonder if that's a sign, but what do seven year old boys do? It's hard to know everything.

Q: Karen's illness has a lot of uncertainty surrounding it. You mentioned that it feels like the story "The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf" because she has managed to recover from so many near death experiences. Do you still feel the wolf is at the door?

Ralph: No, because it..it's been a year and a half. And last October or November I thought the wolf was there. She was going through her blockages and she'd be in just terrible pain. And I thought this was it. So I would call my parents and say, "Oh Karen's not doing well today we don't have much longer," and then she'd get better. And there's just been so many times now it's like there is no wolf...I mean I know there is, but it seems like he's just not there. Karen keeps beating him off, I guess. She just takes care of the wolf because there is no wolf. But I know there is. I know that eventually sooner or later... I think it will be because of the kind of the starvation she goes through. You see that all the time. When she goes through the day and eats a bowl of cereal and a cookie and that's it, and then she throws that up. You know you can't go on very long. You see it in her body, that's what's really hard. I know it's hard for her, cause she looks in the mirror and she sees the same thing.

Back to Karen's biography