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A Conversation with Rick and Jeannett Rydalch
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Rick with his kids during radiation
therapy, September 1993 (Pictured L-R:
Alison, Rick, Chris and Aubrey) © KUED
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Q: We met you in May, so some things happened in April. What happened in April that took you back to the doctors?
Jeannett: Well, they first found the tumor in 1993 and they did some radiation therapy and things went really well, but in April of this year we found out that it had grown. So we were going to doctors, and some of the doctors were saying that he had five years to live, or that he's going to be okay. Then all of a sudden, he was in the hospital in May and they started talking about hospice. It threw me for a loop.
So I wasn't really prepared for anything - from one doctor saying five years to all of a sudden having hospice and the doctor saying that he had six months to live. It's just really hard. And it's hard on the kids not knowing. It's hard on us not knowing what's happening inside of his head, and not really knowing if he's going to leave us. . We get a lot of questions from the kids like, "How many more days until Dad dies?" or "Is Dad really going to die?" It's really hard to answer for them. Rick has a hard time with it, too. He has a hard time when we talk about it.
Q: How do you answer questions like that?
Jeannett: Well, I've always been up front with him because I figured they need to know. They need to know everything that's going on. I mean, it's hard enough for me and stressful enough for me to know what's going and I'm still having a really hard time dealing with everything. So I figured if they didn't know anything they would have a really hard time. So we let them know everything, and when they ask me questions like that, I'll just say, "Well, Dad could die in a month or a couple of months. But this is what the doctors say." We go from there. It's really hard.
I think my whole lesson in this, with the cancer, is patience. I've never been a very patient person and I think I need to learn how to be more patient and deal with things as they come instead of instant gratification. It's really hard for me. But we've been fighting it for so long and it's hard for me to not fight it. It's hard for me to say "Okay, this is where we're at. This is the end." It's really hard for me to give up that fighting. I feel like, "Well, am I giving up on my husband?" But I know this is where we need to be because of the way that it has progressed. There's not really much that we can do. And that's what I'm hearing from everyone and so I know this is where we need to be. But it's still really, really hard to feel like you're giving up. It's hard for me.
Q: We've talked about quality of life and being able to feel in control of things. Has hospice been able to help with any of that?
Jeannett: Hospice has been really good - from the day that we came home from the hospital. It's just been really wonderful. For example, when they discharged him from the hospital, they didn't send him home with any steroids, which really shocked me, so I just called hospice and they called in a steroids. They've been really wonderful that way. When I'm at my wits end, they've been there...the social worker and even the nurses. Every time they come out, they're concerned with how I'm doing. And a lot of people you don't understand that - even family members and people from the church. They'll just come up and ask, "How's Rick doing?" and "How are things going with Rick?" They don't think a lot about how I'm feeling or what's going on with me. And so, that's helped me out a lot - being able to feel like it's not just for Rick, it's for me too. It's very personal for me.
Q: Well you're a team and there are times when you do feel at wits end. What do you do during those times?
Jeannett: Well I've had a good support system from his family. His brother comes out Tuesdays and Thursdays and sits with Rick so that I can get out and take the kids. Sometimes I just go curl up in a ball and cry. The kids just know that it's okay - Mom's in that stage, so just leave her alone and let her cry. I've had to let go of a lot of things. I'm not going to wake up and worry about how my house looks every morning. You have to learn what to let go. Right now we're concentrating on the kids, and Rick and myself.
Q: It's about the end of summer. You're getting ready for school. What other changes are coming up for you?
Jeannett: Well , I've been teaching for five years now, and this is the first year that I won't go back. I'm going to stay home and take care of my family. Take care of Rick and the kids. It's really hard to feel like my life is on hold. I'm not going to go back to my classroom, and there are a lot of things that I'd like to do that have to be put on hold and it's really hard for me.
Q: So those are some of the pieces hospice can't really fill in for you - you're talking about blocks of time being away, so your decision was to stop school, at least for now, and block out that time. Are you still going to use family and other people to give you some breaks in the day?
Jeannett: Yes, we have a hospice volunteer that comes in for two hours. She's wonderful and, like I've said, his family is coming in and we're trying to get a calendar going for my family and his family for people to come in for certain periods of time. But it's not just for Rick either. It's for the kids. The kids are in this situation and they need to have that release. They need to be able to get out of the situation. It's pretty sad here sometimes. It's nice for them to go and forget about things. So we're trying to set up schedules where people come in and do things with the kids and do things with Rick, and I'm trying to do what I need to do to keep myself sane. It's really hard. I look at Rick and I see my husband who came and saved me from everything that I went through in times before, and this is my little world and it's coming to an end. People say, "Oh well, you're young. You'll bounce back." People just don't understand how insensitive they're being when they say things like that to me. Rick and I finally had a talk about death and what's going to happen, which was very hard for both of us. Just a lot of things that need to be done that are really hard to do. I feel like I'm alone in my little world out here, having to make all these decisions and do everything. It's hard.
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